Minneapolis, MN (AP) -- Duke completed its run through the NCAA men's basketball tournament last night, defeating the Arizona Wildcats, 82-72, to win its first national title since 1992.

"Fallen Ones, hear the words of your Lord and Master," Duke head coach Mike Krzyzewski, addressing the thousands of Blue Devil faithful who had made the trip to the Metrodome, said shortly after receiving the championship trophy. "By pledging your souls to Satan Himself, you have earned our school another national championship. Raise up your black hearts in praise of our players, for they shall be your masters when you leave your mortal shells and enter the Kingdom of the Damned."

Krzyzewski singled out one player, point guard Jason Williams, for special praise. "Jason's three-point shooting and decision-making abilities have earned him the title of Arch-Devil," he said. "We should all strive to serve the Forces of Darkness as well as Jason; to tear the flesh, to wear the flesh, to be born unto new worlds where his flesh becomes our key."

Duke assistant coaches Steve Wojechowski and Chris Collins were unavailable for comment. Sources indicated that the two were seen skipping hand-in-hand towards the Metrodome shower rooms just moments after the final buzzer sounded.

In addition to the excellent play of Williams, Duke's defeat of Arizona was due to the strong effort of center and national Player of the Year Shane Battier, who celebrated the end of his Duke career by bawling like a little girl on the shoulders of everyone left on the court after the game, including Arizona players, television cameramen, and towel boys. Pro scouts on hand confirmed that Battier, a senior, can "definitely look forward to a pro career at least as long and rewarding as those of Danny Ferry, Bobby Hurley, Christian Laettner, Thomas Hill, Chris Collins, Steve Wojechowski, Trajan Langdon, Cherokee Parks, William Avery, Corey Maggette, and other Duke greats."

"Shane Battier is very good at the basketball," said one scout, Vaclav Petrovic of the Bulgarian Basketball Association. "He will be a very good addition to our league." When asked if Battier could improve any aspect of his game, Petrovic suggested that he "learn to speak Serbo-Croatian."

Meanwhile, at Duke's lovely campus in gorgeous Durham, those students not sleeping or studying for next semester's organic chemistry exams basked in the glow of victory. One such student was Baxter Noodleman, a freshman from Piscataway, New Jersey who left his cubicle in the Engineering Lab for five whole minutes to join several dozen other students at Cameron Indoor Stadium for a pep rally and group sing-a-long.

"Duke basketball rules!" Noodleman said. "One time earlier this year I slept in a tent in the freezing cold for two and a half months just to get into Cameron and watch our Devils lose to North Carolina. It was the most fun I've had all year! It almost makes me feel better about not being accepted to Harvard, Princeton, Yale, or MIT."

"I live for Duke basketball!" exclaimed Noodleman's friend and roomate, Screech Poindexter of Perth Amboy, NJ, who added, "I have never kissed a girl in my life."

Even local politicians got into the act. Just moments after the victory, New Jersey governor Christine Todd Whitman telephoned Coach Krzyzewski in Minneapolis to congratulate him on the win.

"Duke University serves as a source of pride for all residents of our state," Whitman said. "New Jerseyans of all races, colors and creeds should be proud that New Jersey is home to such a fine institution."

Todd also placed a call to Arizona governor Jane Dee Hull to offer praise for a job well done, but was unable to get through.

"Apparently she was on the other line with [North Carolina governor] Michael Easley," a laughing Todd remarked. "As if Duke is in North Carolina or something. Puh-leeze."

Yet on this most special of nights, the last words of course belonged to the man who, with the victory, ensured that his name will forever be synonymous with the term 'weasel-faced bastard': Mike Krzyzewski. Having hidden his cloven hoof behind the podium in the press room, "Coach K" came close to crying as he addressed the gathered reporters.

"This team is close," he said. "I mean very close. I mean, use your imaginations here, fellas, we are close. Of course, we'll miss Shane, at least until the NBA teams finalize their rosters next fall and I'm forced to hire him as an assistant because his only other option will be to become a middle school gym teacher. But don't worry -- we're not through yet. Come next fall I'll have a whole new bunch of talented McDonald's All-Americans to turn into sissies."